I needed somewhere to write down a "Dear Diary" essay of my life in the last year, and lo and behold, I have this blog. Hooray! Here's how I went from a happily married pregnant woman, to a depressed mom, to a happy wife and mother on her way to grad school this Fall.
We all have myriad identities. As for me, I'm a young woman, a loved wife, an attentive mom, a spark-of-inspiration writer, a too-thorough-for-my-own-good researcher, a future grad school student, a future college professor, a future author of more than just manuscripts (hey wait a minute, there is that one published story), a lose-myself-to-other-places reader, an eyes-too-big-for-my-hands crafter, an obsessive planner, and a lover of decadent chocolate, alternative coffee brewing methods, and well-plotted novels. I could go on, but I hope, dear reader, you get my point.
When you first have a child, most of your little identities go away for a while. It's natural; all your attention is soaked up by this tiny, helpless piece of your heart that now exists outside of your body. You must figure out how to rectify the loss of pieces of yourself with this new polarization of your personality that centers on the fact that you created a life and you must, you must, you must protect it at all costs. Anyone who has heard their baby cry knows what I mean. This is the primal, physical urge that is part of parenting, which you are nearly powerless to control. Over time, all of your identities should even out to a fine balance, but it is not easy, and for some of us it is harder. For some of us, hormones and lack of sleep induce a depressive state that is hard to come out of alone, and we need therapy, medications, and the greater support of our families and friends.
I belonged (belong?) to the latter group. When more than six weeks went by after our son's birth and I wasn't coping well (meaning I found myself bawling in the shower because I just wanted to sleep, and oh God what had I done? What kind of mother was I to bring this beautiful baby into the world and then tire of caring for him so easily? Why did I feel like I just wanted to run away and hide in the wild, foraging for food and forgetting about my former life?). Obviously I wasn't thinking clearly, and I knew I wasn't, even as I stood in the shower longer than necessary to avoid my responsibilities, but I still couldn't get a handle on it. So back to my doctor I went, crying when trying to explain to her that I loved my son beyond words, but sometimes I just wanted to leave him and his father to be happy with each other, because they were too precious to bring down with my sadness and anger. Yes, I said anger! That's partly how it manifested for me. Lack of sleep, my sequestration as a stay at home mother, and imbalanced hormones lead to more than one stupid argument between my husband and I. Looking back, it really wasn't that bad, lots of people experience worse, but I am used to keeping my cool in tough situations, rather than succumbing to a good foot stomping through the house (for example, when a screaming baby can't stop screaming, and what am I doing with my life, and what about my dreams, and what happened to me, and is this all I am now?).
My doctor prescribed a low dosage of a popular medication, and gave me suggestions for therapy. I chose a mental health counselor who specialized in women experiencing Post-Partum Depression, and off to see her I want. Imagine my surprise when I left her home office positively beaming! This is not typical, and she had warned me that people often experience some hard feelings after the first session or two, but just going to someone so nice and thoughtful and getting it all out made me feel so free. In the end she determined that I did not have PPD, but that I would likely have developed it if I had not done something soon to take care of my mental health. She recommended that I take the medication, as it was meant to help but not do all the work, simply making it a little easier to be the person I wanted to be, that woman who, in a chaotic environment, embodies peace and poise and knows what to do instead of losing it.
My counselor and I worked together for a couple of months, and by the end of our journey, I had experienced a great deal of self-discovery. Much of my almost-depression had to do with my own childhood experiences, feelings about my upbringing that I thought I had let go and left behind me (but those things never really do, they are too complicated to just push away and ignore). There was the knowledge that my only sibling was going through several serious mental health disorders that had required hospitalization in the past with no clear picture of the future of his illness, a father who drank too much and thought little of anyone but himself (and never seemed to shy away from letting us know it), and a mother who took the whole world on her shoulders, working herself to the bone, becoming inaccessible due to absence and then exhaustion when she was present. Every family experiences complicated dynamics like this, and the healthier thing is to deal with them, accept them, acknowledge them for what they are, rather than pretend that everything is okay.
My counselor taught me about mindfulness, something I apparently already practiced a great deal of, and the end result was that I needed to reclaim my self, my goals, and my plans that did not necessarily include being a mom. What was I going to do before we learned we were to have a baby? Go to grad school! Write! Research! Travel! Learn a language! The list was as extensive as Santa's Naughty or Nice list by the time I was done.
Slowly, balance appeared, not through lack of hard work on my part and the deep, understanding support of my husband and his mom (whom we live with at the time being). By the end of the year, I had narrowed down specific goals and chose schools to which I would apply. With the help of a friend, I managed to study for the GRE and score competitively, and completed all my applications early, in time to forget about it while we took a trip back to Tennessee for Christmas.
Direction. Purpose. Self. For some people, being a mom is enough of a purpose that they need little else, and I deeply admire that. It took me some time to understand and accept that it is not enough for me, and trying to be super mom to the exclusion of all else meant that I didn't know who I was anymore.
Now our amazing little blue-eyed boy is almost a year old. He and I have grown so much together in these past eleven months. He is joy, he is light, and he is the ultimate expression of the love I have for his father. I can't wait to go on this crazy grad school journey with them, and though I know it will be hard and test our resolve, I have found myself, I know who I am, and I wouldn't want to be anyone else.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Thoughts: The Awakening by Kate Chopin
My foremost thought on The Awakening is that I greatly appreciate a writer who can introduce such duality into character development. I can only hope to write a character so well, to have people hate her so much, that they give the entire work a one-star review on Goodreads. What an honor!
This is a well-written story about a twenty-seven year old wife and mother who, after spending a summer in the sun, finds that she has been inactive her whole life, going through the paces, and does not care for her husband or children. How she deals with this is the crux of the thing.
The protagonist, Edna, received both my sympathy and disgust as she lamented her situation, tried to do something about it, and went too far in the eyes of most. It is clear that Edna never wanted the life that she ended up with, letting it all simply happen, but when she has her big "awakening," she still possesses a lack of forethought, as many other characters allude to. Edna is, to her folly, an in-the-moment, how-I-feel-right-now, sort of person, leading to unfortunate decisions (I don't know that they can even be called decisions, because she does very little without thinking at all, and she was never able to overcome this).
Rather than a feminist commentary, I view this as a study of the id, and of what happens when you focus too much on the needs and wants of here-and-now...what happens when you fail to view yourself, the world, and even time as a bigger and more complex whole than what is happening "right now". I don't believe we were meant to have a deep love for Edna, but rather to understand her as she realizes she wants more, and then shake our heads at her as we realize we are (hopefully) not much like her at all, she who lacks all thought and consideration beyond the immediate.
I tried to read this in the summer between my Freshman and Sophomore years of high school. It was impossible! I got twenty pages in and threw it down, changing my summer assignment to include Kesey's One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, which was just weird enough to interest me. Now that I am in my twenties and newly married, have wonderful husband, a great job, and loads of time to write and think in addition to all that, I am in a supremely happy and introspective time of my life. As a result, I was finally able to read this book and see its merits. I suspect that having read this will help me to remain in constant survey of how I feel about myself, my life, and my choices. And they are that; they are choices, well thought out, taken with great care and consideration. I will never be like Edna, but I understood her, and that will keep me from ever becoming like her.
This is a well-written story about a twenty-seven year old wife and mother who, after spending a summer in the sun, finds that she has been inactive her whole life, going through the paces, and does not care for her husband or children. How she deals with this is the crux of the thing.
The protagonist, Edna, received both my sympathy and disgust as she lamented her situation, tried to do something about it, and went too far in the eyes of most. It is clear that Edna never wanted the life that she ended up with, letting it all simply happen, but when she has her big "awakening," she still possesses a lack of forethought, as many other characters allude to. Edna is, to her folly, an in-the-moment, how-I-feel-right-now, sort of person, leading to unfortunate decisions (I don't know that they can even be called decisions, because she does very little without thinking at all, and she was never able to overcome this).
Rather than a feminist commentary, I view this as a study of the id, and of what happens when you focus too much on the needs and wants of here-and-now...what happens when you fail to view yourself, the world, and even time as a bigger and more complex whole than what is happening "right now". I don't believe we were meant to have a deep love for Edna, but rather to understand her as she realizes she wants more, and then shake our heads at her as we realize we are (hopefully) not much like her at all, she who lacks all thought and consideration beyond the immediate.
I tried to read this in the summer between my Freshman and Sophomore years of high school. It was impossible! I got twenty pages in and threw it down, changing my summer assignment to include Kesey's One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, which was just weird enough to interest me. Now that I am in my twenties and newly married, have wonderful husband, a great job, and loads of time to write and think in addition to all that, I am in a supremely happy and introspective time of my life. As a result, I was finally able to read this book and see its merits. I suspect that having read this will help me to remain in constant survey of how I feel about myself, my life, and my choices. And they are that; they are choices, well thought out, taken with great care and consideration. I will never be like Edna, but I understood her, and that will keep me from ever becoming like her.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Jamming, Sweating, Plotting
What's that? Sweat? Wouldn't it get the pages wrinkly, or ruin the device?
Where I live in Colorado Springs is a particularly fruitful location. Our house is at the bottom of a small hill, atop of which is a park. My husband plotted out a 2 mile walking path several months ago, and that's the route I take, which follows a trail through that park, and the tiny one adjacent to it. I don't know that I would even call them parks. Rather, they are more like extended trail space.
For me, movement equals brain function. More precisely, walking helps me with plot points. With the right song, enough leg movement, and plenty of zoning out, scenes start to appear in my head. I also discovered a side benefit to this, which is that I get a little more tan every time. Can't beat working on three things at once, only one of which uses dedicated brain power. Throughout our trail, there are also benches with perfect views of the mountains, great for sitting for a spell and jotting down notes.
Lately, with all the projects swirling in my mind, I've been thinking I may need to plot out a longer walking path, more like 5 miles. It seems like I'm home too soon, my thinking not quite complete, but my skin is red enough, and my water gone. Clearly I need better sunscreen and a bigger bottle.
As for the music I'm listening to, every project I'm working on has a particular song from the Deftones that inspires me. These songs have the feel and tone that I'm looking for in my writing: "Tempest," "Beware," and "Change (In the House of Flies)".
Anyway, I'm red and sweaty, so I'll call this one done and move on to writing fiction!
Where I live in Colorado Springs is a particularly fruitful location. Our house is at the bottom of a small hill, atop of which is a park. My husband plotted out a 2 mile walking path several months ago, and that's the route I take, which follows a trail through that park, and the tiny one adjacent to it. I don't know that I would even call them parks. Rather, they are more like extended trail space.
For me, movement equals brain function. More precisely, walking helps me with plot points. With the right song, enough leg movement, and plenty of zoning out, scenes start to appear in my head. I also discovered a side benefit to this, which is that I get a little more tan every time. Can't beat working on three things at once, only one of which uses dedicated brain power. Throughout our trail, there are also benches with perfect views of the mountains, great for sitting for a spell and jotting down notes.
Lately, with all the projects swirling in my mind, I've been thinking I may need to plot out a longer walking path, more like 5 miles. It seems like I'm home too soon, my thinking not quite complete, but my skin is red enough, and my water gone. Clearly I need better sunscreen and a bigger bottle.
As for the music I'm listening to, every project I'm working on has a particular song from the Deftones that inspires me. These songs have the feel and tone that I'm looking for in my writing: "Tempest," "Beware," and "Change (In the House of Flies)".
Anyway, I'm red and sweaty, so I'll call this one done and move on to writing fiction!
Marriage Life: Does It Feel Different?
Everyone asks this. Everyone has a different answer. My short answer? Yes! But I did not expect to feel any different, and am actually surprised that anything is different at all. Below is my long answer.
The Backstory
My husband and I were peers, and then friends, and then dated throughout our college careers. We have lived alone together for a few years. He even made sure I remembered to eat while I wrote my undergrad thesis and was on a power nap schedule. Together, we made a cross-country move. Before that we sort of lived with some of my coolest relatives for a time, and after that we lived with his awesome mom for a while.
We have done a lot of things together that I never thought I could do with the same person and not be driven crazy. For example, we have driven that cross-country trek together many times. What I really mean is...being in a car with someone for 20+ hours is hard. Doing it over and over, doing it with an upset cat, hauling a load of things that, before and after, we questioned were necessary...that changes a person! But finding out you love that person even more each time? His voluntarily downloading Harry Potter on audio (for me, the HP-obsessed) and finding that he likes it? Priceless.
Why the change?
We went through the stress of the engagement and wedding together, with no one else to physically lean on, since we live away from all our combined family. Let me say that our families were only a phone call away, and our parents, wedding party, and other equally important relatives and friends were extremely supportive and active to the point of nervous breakdown in some (perhaps many) cases. We thank them ALL, because literally nothing could have happened without them. Still, there is nothing so supportive as coming home to someone who sees the best in you, accepts the worst in you, pushes you to do better just for yourself, and gives really great back scratches. They are amazing, no joke.
During our engagement, we dutifully went through a list of hot-topic items, making sure we covered those important topics before we made the jump into marriage. Admittedly, this would have been best done before engagement, but ultimately it didn't matter much for us, because we really knew what our respective answers to those topics would be, from kids, to finances, to career goals, even if they didn't necessarily mesh up perfectly at first. By doing this, we made sure we were right for each other as our engagement and wedding took shape, not letting the engagement be the end of relationship growth, and actively being each other's ally in the wedding planning. Two months ago, the wedding came, and we proclaimed our love and commitment to each other in front of the family and friends we love most, even seriously kissed in front of them! That was a big deal to me. I'm not a huge fan of PDA, and neither is my husband.
How have things changed?
We just try harder. I think we were doing this before the engagement, but once the engagement happened, we sidetracked a little, having so much to think about as far planning, and I admit that I occasionally forgot about everyday things. Now it seems like we are extra committed to living our days to the fullest, even if that means each of us going out of our way to clean something better, cook something nicer, and, uh, have sexier sexy time. Clearly we're in a honeymoon phase. We have only been married two months, and haven't gone on any true honeymoon, but we plan on making this phase last as long as possible, preferably forever.
One thing I will note is that some people have tried to make me feel bad about this, like nothing should change after the start of a marriage if you had such a great relationship to begin with. I don't agree with that in our case. I think relationships are different for everyone, and for me, for us, I think we needed to feel that something was different. Not a huge change, but a little something to make us feel like we are truly together in this life, and for the rest of it...
...even if it was just relief that the wedding was over, and the real fun could begin!
The Backstory
My husband and I were peers, and then friends, and then dated throughout our college careers. We have lived alone together for a few years. He even made sure I remembered to eat while I wrote my undergrad thesis and was on a power nap schedule. Together, we made a cross-country move. Before that we sort of lived with some of my coolest relatives for a time, and after that we lived with his awesome mom for a while.
We have done a lot of things together that I never thought I could do with the same person and not be driven crazy. For example, we have driven that cross-country trek together many times. What I really mean is...being in a car with someone for 20+ hours is hard. Doing it over and over, doing it with an upset cat, hauling a load of things that, before and after, we questioned were necessary...that changes a person! But finding out you love that person even more each time? His voluntarily downloading Harry Potter on audio (for me, the HP-obsessed) and finding that he likes it? Priceless.
Why the change?
We went through the stress of the engagement and wedding together, with no one else to physically lean on, since we live away from all our combined family. Let me say that our families were only a phone call away, and our parents, wedding party, and other equally important relatives and friends were extremely supportive and active to the point of nervous breakdown in some (perhaps many) cases. We thank them ALL, because literally nothing could have happened without them. Still, there is nothing so supportive as coming home to someone who sees the best in you, accepts the worst in you, pushes you to do better just for yourself, and gives really great back scratches. They are amazing, no joke.
During our engagement, we dutifully went through a list of hot-topic items, making sure we covered those important topics before we made the jump into marriage. Admittedly, this would have been best done before engagement, but ultimately it didn't matter much for us, because we really knew what our respective answers to those topics would be, from kids, to finances, to career goals, even if they didn't necessarily mesh up perfectly at first. By doing this, we made sure we were right for each other as our engagement and wedding took shape, not letting the engagement be the end of relationship growth, and actively being each other's ally in the wedding planning. Two months ago, the wedding came, and we proclaimed our love and commitment to each other in front of the family and friends we love most, even seriously kissed in front of them! That was a big deal to me. I'm not a huge fan of PDA, and neither is my husband.
How have things changed?
We just try harder. I think we were doing this before the engagement, but once the engagement happened, we sidetracked a little, having so much to think about as far planning, and I admit that I occasionally forgot about everyday things. Now it seems like we are extra committed to living our days to the fullest, even if that means each of us going out of our way to clean something better, cook something nicer, and, uh, have sexier sexy time. Clearly we're in a honeymoon phase. We have only been married two months, and haven't gone on any true honeymoon, but we plan on making this phase last as long as possible, preferably forever.
One thing I will note is that some people have tried to make me feel bad about this, like nothing should change after the start of a marriage if you had such a great relationship to begin with. I don't agree with that in our case. I think relationships are different for everyone, and for me, for us, I think we needed to feel that something was different. Not a huge change, but a little something to make us feel like we are truly together in this life, and for the rest of it...
...even if it was just relief that the wedding was over, and the real fun could begin!
Friday, January 27, 2012
New Beginnings
My last blog was about being poor, and the "guilt" that might plague a writer on occasion because of a lack of income.
Well, I am very excited to say that yesterday I interviewed for a position at a library, and was notified only two hours or so later that I had unofficially gotten the job. Monday I go to Human Resources to get the employment process rolling along.
This job is perfect for me for many reasons, but also, it pays a higher rate than I am used to, while still being a part time assignment. This means I will have plenty of time for other pursuits, be it an additional part time job, studying for the GRE and then a Masters program, or very and perhaps most importantly, writing!
In other news, I donated plasma a few times for cash. It was a very easy process that I think I will continue to do. I did have to cancel my wednesday appointment this week, however, because I fell Tuesday evening and hit my head pretty hard. The great thing about being a writer is that everything becomes inspiration, and I am certain that one day something I write will include a concussed individual unable to donate body fluids of some kind! So far I've had show up in my writing: a pie (pastry) shop I fell in love with in Edinburgh, a Spanish bridge l haven't seen in person but would really love to, and a music venue I performed at in Nashville when I played bass guitar in a rock band.
What tangled webs we writers weave. :)
Well, I am very excited to say that yesterday I interviewed for a position at a library, and was notified only two hours or so later that I had unofficially gotten the job. Monday I go to Human Resources to get the employment process rolling along.
This job is perfect for me for many reasons, but also, it pays a higher rate than I am used to, while still being a part time assignment. This means I will have plenty of time for other pursuits, be it an additional part time job, studying for the GRE and then a Masters program, or very and perhaps most importantly, writing!
In other news, I donated plasma a few times for cash. It was a very easy process that I think I will continue to do. I did have to cancel my wednesday appointment this week, however, because I fell Tuesday evening and hit my head pretty hard. The great thing about being a writer is that everything becomes inspiration, and I am certain that one day something I write will include a concussed individual unable to donate body fluids of some kind! So far I've had show up in my writing: a pie (pastry) shop I fell in love with in Edinburgh, a Spanish bridge l haven't seen in person but would really love to, and a music venue I performed at in Nashville when I played bass guitar in a rock band.
What tangled webs we writers weave. :)
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
On Being Poor
When you're as low on funds as I am, you have to ask yourself: Should I really be writing right now?
The answer is, inevitably, quite complicated. It depends on the situation. I feel that the answer should be obvious, Yes, of course, if not now of all times, when? Why not now, when you are unemployed and have loads if free time to share with your imagined worlds and characters that have started to become more real than reality?
Yes, good question. A retort could certainly be, Well, because it isn't earning any money. I could use this time to be job searching more often.
So where do we, as writers, find the balance? And if we aren't the only people affected by our choices, what of the guilt? Any writer, rich or poor, will understand what I mean by The Guilt, the all-consuming knowledge that while what you do is fulfilling, makes you happy, and you hope it will pay the bills, well, it probably isn't right now, and there are people taking care of things, taking care of you, and maybe even your children (but most certainly the housework), while you are lost in your writing.
But is that so wrong, really? Aren't we all working toward the same thing, this fleeting idea that if we work hard enough, surely it will pay off and some day in the distant future we can all just be comfortable? A fiction writer's way of working hard is to be occasionally absent-minded and severely plot-obsessed, spending long hours at the computer with bags under her bloodshot eyes, and asking everyone, anyone, Please, what do you think of this paragraph here?
After all, what greatness can be found in any profession without resilience? Somehow many before me found a way to deal with The Big Bad Guilt, and so shall I. Will I disappoint anyone along the way? Most certainly, but especially myself. Should I keep looking for a job? Yes, and submit applications fairly often to interesting endeavors, because you never know where inspiration might come from, and besides, it keeps everyone off your back. ;)
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Baby Steps
Well, I finally did it. I completed the Prologue to my Tam Lin retelling, which means I am one step closer to completion. My thesis was completed many months ago and earned a grade of A, but I am continuing with this story because it has grown large enough to be a substantial work.
The Prologue itself can stand alone, and so I have submitted it, along with two other small works, to Collage: A Journal of Creative Expression at Middle Tennessee State University. I was on staff with Collage for a full year, one semester as the Fiction Editor, and the next semester as the Assistant Literature Editor. I even wrote and co-wrote two editorial pieces for the issues I worked on, and those two issues have won awards from the Columbia Scholastic Press Association (no word yet which awards, that will be revealed in March at their annual convention).
The wonderful thing about Collage is that it a journal purely of student submissions in art, photography, poetry, and prose. A blind grading process selects the top twenty to forty in each main category (Visual Art/Literary Art) and the staff chooses multiple submissions in each sub-category to include in that semester's issue. Alumni are allowed and even encouraged to submit, and I am very grateful for this. I have not yet been published, though this is only my second time submitting, and last time I only submitted one item.
I won't know until about March or April if any of my work was chosen. Fingers crossed!
In the meantime I suppose I'll keep looking for a job. XD
The Prologue itself can stand alone, and so I have submitted it, along with two other small works, to Collage: A Journal of Creative Expression at Middle Tennessee State University. I was on staff with Collage for a full year, one semester as the Fiction Editor, and the next semester as the Assistant Literature Editor. I even wrote and co-wrote two editorial pieces for the issues I worked on, and those two issues have won awards from the Columbia Scholastic Press Association (no word yet which awards, that will be revealed in March at their annual convention).
The wonderful thing about Collage is that it a journal purely of student submissions in art, photography, poetry, and prose. A blind grading process selects the top twenty to forty in each main category (Visual Art/Literary Art) and the staff chooses multiple submissions in each sub-category to include in that semester's issue. Alumni are allowed and even encouraged to submit, and I am very grateful for this. I have not yet been published, though this is only my second time submitting, and last time I only submitted one item.
I won't know until about March or April if any of my work was chosen. Fingers crossed!
In the meantime I suppose I'll keep looking for a job. XD
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